There is winter in the air. Naked trees accuse the sky with their empty crowns. The wind, once the encore of a thousands celebrating whispers, now an empty howl. Leafs rustling in the wind. Like dry tumble weeds curled up into hard shells as they skitter across the bitter struck road.
Inside the heat blows like gods breath through vents. Inside a Saturdays microbial step towards a in person interview for a job on Monday and the bustle of uncluttering a home that needs to be downsized feels frail, fraught and exhausted. So little time – so many grand things to do, so many pieces of the same puzzle to fit into place.
I’m inside the prison again. I’m back, just one or two quests at the time before the guilt of not doing everything that I can grips me. A Gargoyle sweeps the burning sky as I watch it pass high above. I’m on my way to the 2nd quest out of 5. In the order I always take them. I stop for a brief movement trying so very hard to let reality pass behind the comfort of all those years I used to spend questing in DDO.
Now it’s time I steal away from all the things that has to be done. The death aura with it’s purple sickening sound lulls me. I move again – eager to force my mind off the constant dull stab of emotions in my gut.
It’s Saturday. Barely Midnight. I’m finally done with all five quests in Wheloon.
I can hear the fans hum in my computer. I watch the fingers dance across the keyboard turning my inner turmoil into words. I used to have to conjure my best to put words into emotions. Now that is all I am. Dark circles under my eyes. Haunted feeling inside.
So much have happened in so little time. Cubs won after 108 years. I lost my job. The election drubbed me as I felt like I had already been hit enough. My first over the phone interview left me with a pounding head ache and the second left me feel relieved and hopeful inside.
Each day I pick away at the house; clean here, clean there and it still feels like so much is left. Almost thanksgiving and the market for selling a house in a reasonable time is entering the winter months.
A luxury I once sacrificed at the altar of escaping reality between 6 and 9 PM is now an ever stampeding herd of minutes.
I tell myself that there are those that are far worse off. And it’s true. It’s just not as comforting as it used to be. But I try to humble myself. Over and over.
I hope one day that I keep normalize everything and be back, without a moments though in what the next day will bring. Only the many goals I have in mind for DDO.